Winning is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. It feels great. But what we really need to encourage our young athletes to think about is whether they’ve worked hard at their sport.

That’s what will make them great at whatever they do, even if they don’t win.

This may seem like a “we’re all winners” kind of attitude, and I know that bothers some people. But I can admit that we aren’t all winners. We don’t all deserve trophies just for playing. That doesn’t mean all the hard work our daughters have put into their sport means nothing.

The focus should always be doing the best she can with her own skills. If it’s a team sport, that includes doing the best possible as a part of the team, not just an individual.

How to Maintain This Attitude?

It’s not easy to keep up the belief that winning isn’t everything if you’re surrounded by people who disagree. But if you don’t want your daughter caught up in the obsession, you’re going to have to do something about it.

This is easiest to start talking about at home, not around all the teammates. You should go at it from both sides, discussing the reasons why people are so concerned with winning and why there’s more to sports than just being the winner or the best on the team.

What About What She Hears from Others?

It’s not going to be easy to keep up this belief if coaches and other parents disagree with you. If possible, find a team and coach that believe as you do. It’s easiest to keep away from this kind of problem if you don’t start right out with them.

But if you’re stuck with it, try having a calm talk about why you prefer to encourage skills over winning. You aren’t going to win everyone over; don’t fool yourself about that. But you can try.

How vocally you can disagree depends on the situation you’re in. If you’re surrounded by parents and coaches obsessed with winning and winning only, speaking up is going to be more uncomfortable and possibly less productive.

Then again, you might find that some quietly agree with you.

However it goes, remember that even the most talented young athlete should not be overdoing it. It’s a path to potential lifelong injuries.

Do you let her quit or push her to keep going?

This is a tough decision for any parent. You’ve probably spent money signing her up for the sport and on equipment, and it can be hard to see it wasted. There may also be teammates depending on her.

Talk to Her

The first thing to do if you daughter wants to quit a sport she’s been playing is find out why, especially if she was the one to suggest playing it in the first place.

Sometimes the reason will be very good. If the sport is getting in the way of doing well in school, you probably need to let her prioritize her education. Everyone needs a good education, no matter what else they want to do in life.

Sometimes it will be a problem you may be able to do something about. A personality conflict with a coach or another player, for example. If you can work out a solution to the problem she may be interested in continuing to play.

Other times there won’t be much of a reason at all. Maybe she lost interest. Maybe she’s tired of having to run from activity to activity. Maybe it’s not even something she can put into words; she just wants out.

Think About the Lesson She Will Learn

If she wants to quit because she doesn’t think she’s good enough at the sport, is giving up the lesson you want her to learn or would you rather she learn to push through and improve her skills through practice? Or is she being she having troubles where quitting is the better lesson? Think carefully about what you’ll teach her.

Will quitting teach her that it’s okay to let down teammates or will it teach her that sometimes it’s appropriate to do things just for your own benefit?

Consider also how she’s really feeling. Miserable is miserable, and sometimes there’s little to be done for it. Do you want to teach her to ignore her own feelings at all times for others or that sometimes you have to live your own life?

There’s no one right answer to whether or not you should let your daughter quit a sport she’s playing. It depends on a lot of factors. Just be sure that you don’t allow or deny the request without some thought. There are very important lessons to be learned from playing sports, and not all of them come on the playing field or during practice.

My daughter, for example. Until she started school she had no concept of “girl can do x” versus “boys can do y”. It was wonderful!

Then she started coming home saying that girls couldn’t do certain things, or that some interests were only for boys. Sheer frustration for me! Exactly the kind of thinking I don’t want her to be trapped in.

That’s why I was quite delighted when her first sensei in karate was a woman. No chance for her to resist by saying it was for boys, even though she was one of only two girls in her class. This first sensei was also wonderfully strict with her, and quickly got my headstrong daughter to behave fairly well in class.

We moved, and started both my kids in a different class. She’s doing well in this one, but her male sensei is so far less strict with the students, and it shows in my daughter’s behavior. She wiggles all over the place and doesn’t put in quite the same effort.

How I hope he gets stricter now that she and her brother are yellow belts!

While some of this comes down to teaching style, you do also have to consider whether or not it has anything to do with a male vs. female teacher and how your daughter interacts with him or her. There can be a difference.

Certainly I tend to prefer a female if I am at all concerned that my daughter will start complaining that it’s an activity for boys. Having a woman teach her is a great way to break that objection. Suddenly she sees how much is possible for women in that sport.

On the other hand, some girls really do learn better from men. Just something in their personality.

Overall I try not to care overmuch whether it’s a man or a woman teaching my children, but if there’s a problem sometimes it can be as simple as reacting differently by the teacher’s gender.

I didn’t get into soccer on my own growing up, for example. My youngest sister wanted to play and so my mother signed us both up. My opinion only had so much to do with it.

But I sure had fun!

My oldest daughter is a bit more into sports than I was some ways. Not in every way. Neither of us is really into watching a lot of sports on television, but I think a part of that for her has to do with her grandfather pushing for her to watch Sooners football on TV with him. If he’d push it less hard he might have a chance.

He also really pressures her about going to OU as he did, and that’s turning her away from that idea too. I’m sure college seems like a million years in the future to her 7 year old mind.

And that’s the thing. Pressure isn’t the way to go, or at least not excessive pressure.

When my daughter came home one day early in the school year with flyers for cheerleading and karate classes, and wanting to take cheerleading, I found a way to make her want karate more. Nothing against cheerleading (aside from the cost), but I’d rather she take a self defense course. She’d had a month of it before and really enjoyed it, so changing her mind was just a matter of pointing out that her brother was just old enough to take karate with her.

She also wants to play soccer someday. We’ll have to find a way to get that done eventually for her. It’s not currently the time of year for sign ups so for the moment there’s nothing to be done for it.

I’d just as cheerfully sign her up for dance or gymnastics if she wanted them and they were in the budget. She’s done both of those, around ages 3 and 4, when there really aren’t a lot of choices.

Sure, those are more classic female sports, but to me the first step is to get girls active and thinking as athletes. There’s a lot to learn from being athletic no matter the sport.

When you think of your daughter doing sports, listen to what she wants. If you have a preference of your own, say so, but remember to respect what interests her.

But encourage them to mix it up. Have them take ballet and basketball perhaps. Let them see that there is more to girls sports than the classics. They might just fall in love with a sport they hadn’t really known they could play.

Quite honestly, this drives me nuts. It’s not just that not all girls and women love pink. It’s the idea that something must be color coded to show that it’s for girls or women at all.

It’s particularly annoying when you’re talking about fan gear, shirts and such that have the team logo, but all in pink and white rather than the team colors. Frankly, if I’m going to buy such things I’d rather be showing the team colors. I don’t need to be all pink about it.

Encourage girls to enjoy sports and they won’t need to have it all pinkified for it to be fun for them. They’ll love it because they love the sport, whichever sport it is. The color of the equipment, team logos and so forth won’t enter into it so much.

Calling a girls’ team the “Lady Whatevers” is annoying too. Girls in sports probably aren’t too concerned with being “ladies”. They’re girls having fun doing something they love. Their team name doesn’t need to identify their gender. You’re not going to see a boys’ team name the “Gentlemen Whatevers” or anything like that.

I know that in many cases the boys’ team is effectively considered the default. After all, for a long time girls were very limited in the sports they could play. That doesn’t mean we need to continue separating the girls by adding “Lady” to their team name. It’s hard enough for women in sports to be taken seriously without the team name adding to the problem.